Wednesday, September 07, 2005

New Orleans and Tax Cuts

The Left have come up with their most scurrilous claim yet: that the break in the levees on the Mississippi Delta is directly a result of George Bush’s tax cuts. Their inference is that National’s proposed tax cuts will lead to a similar disaster in New Zealand.

Balanced commentators note that the collapse of the levees was based on several factors; the fact that the levees were designed to protect New Orleans against a Force 3 Hurricane. Katrina was a Force 5.

Second point: accusations that the Bush Administration neglected the levees isn’t borne out by the facts. Responsibility for funding the levees was shared by both Federal and State authorities. Squabbling over the funding of the levees, and levee shore-up projects, have gone back twenty years; i.e., long before the Bush Administration was around to reduce taxes.

Thirdly, even if it can be maintained that the Federal Government was wholly responsibly for maintaining the levee infrastructure, there is no link between tax cuts and a run-down of levee infrastructure. In this respect, the Left scores an own-goal. What it suggests is that the Federal Government has got its spending priorities wrong.

National’s forecasts through to 2008 show a continuing rise in taxation revenue, even after the marginal rates of income tax rates have been reduced. Government spending is forecast to continue to rise. No currently planned infrastructure project is at risk as a result of income tax reductions.

The real threat to infrastructure development is not lack of revenue to fund it, but bad spending priorities by Government. Labour, through its massive over-investment in bogus and low quality education courses, superfluous spending on dubious PC schemes, and the burgeoning public service, indicate quite clearly that Labour has no spending priorities whatsoever. Their priorities are not “core infrastructure”, but feel-good, trendy plans to impose its liberal agenda on New Zealand.

New Zealand has no direct equivalent of the levee infrastructure along the Mississippi. What we do have, on the other hand, are core roading and energy requirements that aren’t being met due to highly cumbersome resource management processes that kill development; an education system that is well-resourced but atrociously managed; a welfare system that creates disincentives to work; a justice system that is in such disarray that victims don’t bother reporting crime anymore; and a health system that concentrates itself on bureaucrats, rather than patients.

These are the core infrastructural issues facing New Zealand. Solutions to these problems are found not in throwing more money at the black holes of waste. Rather, they are sorted by having the political resolve to get roading and energy projects completed, focusing education on achievement, creating incentives to work and disincentives to cheat the taxpayer, and a health system that concentrates on delivery of service, rather than screeds of ideologically-based policy analysts discussing the modes of delivery.

Labour’s solution is to continue to strangle the economic goose through an oppressive taxation regime. National’s answer is to make Government accountable for responsible spending of taxpayer funds, and to use Government’s authority to make best use of that spending.

The tide of public opinion has reached the high water mark. Labour’s defence of its own policy agenda isn’t holding up. Their shoddy scare tactics aren’t working either.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Labour's Other Slush-Fund

A quick look at Labour’s line-up this election shows just how deeply embedded the union movement is in Government circles, and how Labour’s campaign this election are heavily funded by the taxpayer.

Labour has 41 MPs currently in Parliament, standing again. That’s fair and reasonable, perhaps, given that they are the governing party. It is probably understandable that the entire personal staffs of the Prime Minister and her Ministers, and the taxpayer-funded personal staffs of Labour MPs, should also be campaigning for Labour. Of course, it does deliver a vast resource to the incumbent Party, but that’s the nature of any incumbent Party.

What is less clear is just how many non-MPs are receiving substantial taxpayer support while campaigning for the Labour Party. Alarmingly, almost the entirety of Labour’s non-MP candidates, are either union officials or otherwise in receipt of Government payment for their work on publicly-funded bodies, on city councils, or in the public sector.

  1. Louisa Wall. Currently employed by the Human Rights Commission. Also a paid board member of the taxpayer-funded Sport and Recreation New Zealand. Is on annual leave from her role while campaigning.
  2. Maryan Street. Employee Relations Manager for District Health Boards New Zealand.
  3. Shane Jones. Member of the Industry New Zealand Board, chairman of the Waitangi Fisheries Commission.
  4. Sue Moroney. Paid official of the Nurses Organisation.
  5. Darien Fenton, Paid Union Official, Service and Food Worker’s Union.
  6. Su’a William Sio. Manukau City Councillor.
  7. Hamish McCracken. Politics Lecturer, Manukau Institute of Technology. Previously a Finsec Union Organiser. Board member of the Plastics and Materials Processing Industry Training Organisation.
  8. Max Purnell. Member of the AGMARDT Board, a crown-funded trust.
  9. Wayne Harpur, Member of the Southland Community Trust, appointed by the Minister of Finance. City Councillor. Trade Unionist.
  10. Leila Boyle. Auckland City Councillor.
  11. Phil Twyford. Peace Activist, Oxfam Director.
  12. Jen McCutcheon. Former PPTA President. “CTU representative on the Department of Labour group which evaluates courses applying for EREL (employment related education leave) funding since its’ inception four years ago. “
  13. Michael Wood. Finsec Organiser.
  14. Linda Hudson. Whakatane District Councillor. Member of Creative New Zealand Board. Union Member.
  15. Tony Milne. Executive Assistant to Tim Barnett, MP. PSA Activist.
  16. David Talbot. Assistant to Marian Hobbs.
  17. Marilyn Brown. Palmerston North City Councillor.
  18. Eamon Daly. Human Rights Review Tribunal Member. Biothics Council Member.
  19. Judy Lawley. Waitakere City Councillor.
  20. Pauline Scott. Margaret Wilson’s electorate agent.
  21. Camille Nakhid. Sociology Lecturer, AUT.
  22. Sally Barrett, School Teacher.

Rob Hosking Goes Biblical...

Haven't seen much comment around the traps on this, but it is well deserving.

Check out his Big Gnashy Teeth!

Monday, September 05, 2005

Venting Their Spleen

At the height of the 1993 election campaign, I found myself in a Wellington shopping mall when Mike Moore’s entourage splashed through. Various would-be luminaries were with him: they cheered and clapped loudly as a hysterical Moore preached doom and gloom, vitriol and fury, and rage and ire, in a scene that was until then, as a young right-wing activist, the most negative display of mud-slinging campaigning that I had ever seen.

Moore was a mercurial figure. He had the amusing habit of starting a sentence that seemed to go on for ever, covering all ranges of homilies and subjects, and somehow ending each statement with personal abuse directed at Jim Bolger, Ruth Richardson, and Jenny Shipley. The Labour Party’s 1993 slogan, “Jobs. Health. Growth,” didn’t seem to bear any relation whatsoever to the message that Moore was pushing—that the National Party were a group of very nasty people who were hell-bent on destroying the country. It was not a coherent campaign.

Among Moore’s private coterie were such figures as Clayton “Mini-Me” Cosgrove, and Ron Mark. Also present that day were Paul Swain and the local Labour candidate: they were, in short, a group of diminutive, angry young men who believed that they deserved to be in Government, apparently for no other reason than that they had bigger tempers than anybody else. Policy barely featured.

Instead of heckling Moore, which was my natural inclination, I went to chat to some of Labour’s activists. I made a few smart remarks, and what sticks with me even now was the reaction of the supporters: their hackles up, they sneered and attempted to jostle me. I jostled back. It took a then level-headed Ron Mark to calm his colleagues down; the realisation that a group of Moore’s inner circle starting a rumble with a member of the public in front of the cameras was not the image that Moore wanted to portray.

What also struck me, apart from Labour’s then mob mentality, like some bunch of Mafia thugs demanding an extortionate payment of electoral support, was the lack of social skills in Moore’s team. They had no means of engaging with members of the public: they didn’t like the public. They were hostile and militant. They believed they had a right to govern, for no other reason than that they had an innate belief in their leader. I suspect that this was the reason behind Moore’s extraordinary election-night boast of a “long, cold night” for Jim Bolger; he had surrounded himself with people just like him—angry, vengeful thugs who had told him precisely what he wanted to hear.

Half a generation on, I can now understand the rage from Labour supporters this election.

For the last six years, Labour has danced in the moonlight of economic prosperity. That prosperity has come about through the very major sacrifices that both Labour and National Governments imposed on New Zealand from the mid-80s onwards. Those gains—the longest sustained period of economic growth since the second world war—have delivered an unprecedented winfall to the Government. Those gains have not come about through the fiscal discipline of the last six years by Labour—because the fiscal discipline has been non-existent. Rather, it has come about through the hard-won toil and efforts of New Zealand taxpayers.

The question this election, therefore, is who deserves to reap the benefits? That question—a luxurious position given the hardship and slog of the past twenty years—presents for the first time in several generations, the most stark difference that voters have had in modern history. What voters decide to do on September 17 will dictate the path that New Zealand takes over the next twenty years.

That probably explains why minority parties are taking such a flogging this year. No longer can voters state that there is little difference between National and Labour. The key choices are between the two parties.

Labour’s solution is one that ignores the key thrust of the reforms of the last twenty years. Despite the sea-change of Rogernomics that started getting New Zealanders to realise that they are primarily responsible for their own economic destiny, and that the Government is merely a buffer in times of last resort—Labour wants to turn the clock back. They claim that it is politicians who should decide how individuals behave: dictating to them how their money is spent.

Suddenly, state support for very low-income earners is extended to middle-income New Zealanders. Education expenditure, originally intended to provide people with the minimum tools of basic learning, is extended to provide twilight golf courses. Health expenditure is no longer just directed at hip, cararact, and glue-ear operations, but to cover sex changes as well.

That might be acceptable in an ideal world. Perhaps in the perfect society, a vastly enriched state sector does help the masses.

But the perfect society doesn’t operate in New Zealand. Nor did it operate in the Soviet Union or Albania. It is certainly not operating in North Korea or Cuba now.

What happens, when the state attempts to extend itself beyond providing the bare minimum of services, is that they lose focus on providing those basic services. Trans-gender operations, a fault-free justice system, and the inflated excesses of the wananga may well excite the Socialist ideologues, who see their dream of an “inclusive” society—in which fringe groups are pandered to at every corner—coming to fruition.

In the meantime, by getting distracted by their pet projects, the compulsory education sector is in disarray. Students emerge from schooling with no reality-based assessment mechanism. Tertiary students emerge from dubious institutions with worthless qualifications. Waiting lists for surgery rises. Violent crime increases, simply because New Zealanders no longer see the point in reporting it to an over-stretched Police.

In the meantime, Labour tells voters that because of the massive proliferation in special pet-projects in the social laboratory that New Zealanders didn’t actually vote to live in, there is no money left for tax relief.

That is the vision that Labour has for New Zealand. That National is exposing that agenda, and that Labour is losing the argument for that agenda, explains why, as in 1993, the Labour Party has resorted to the most negative election tactics in a long, long time. Instead of defending the indefensible—their own skewed view of New Zealand, the Way Labour Wants It—their smears on Don Brash and his party continue.

National’s position on New Zealand is equally clear: that the benefits of economic reform deserve to be returned to New Zealanders. That the returns should be returned in a way that continues to promote prosperity and further gains. That the role of Government is to provide basic services, where individuals have the option of purchasing their social luxuries as they see fit, rather than having imposed on them by the socialist agenda. That if you want the luxury of a sex change operation, a bigger house, or a twilight golf course, then you will have the means to pay for it yourself—but only if you earn it.

So over the next two weeks, New Zealanders can expect more spleen-venting from Helen Clark, Trevor Mallard, Steve Maharey, and Pete Hodgson. Their vision of New Zealand is falling apart, as New Zealanders begin to see for themselves just what havoc the socialist experiment will have on New Zealand society.

And expect them to get very nasty and bitter as they gang up on Don Brash and try to punch him out of the political mall. Just as Mike Moore did twelve years ago, they will increasingly lose any coherence they had before. They’ve already lost the argument; their only resort is fear, rage and thuggery.

Saturday, September 03, 2005

Electoral Accommodations

There's an interesting discussion at Cathy's blog about the effect of electoral accommodations--tight last-minute calls by the leader to pull a candidate out of the race--on the party organisation. Cathy asks what happened to Mark Thomas, National's candidate for Wellington Central in 1996.

National's Wellington region was in a bad shape well before Bolger pulled the rug out on Mark in 1996. The reasons were various: some blue-ribbon seats were neglected by their local MPs, others never had been strong organisationally--National got a shock in 1990 that it won some seats in Wellington, and its electoral success there was much more to do with the shambles that Labour was in in 1990 than any organisational strength that National may have had.

People like Graeme Reeves, Hamish Hancock, Peter McCardle, John Armstrong, Cam Campion and Joy McLauchlan didn't expect to get elected in 1990. There weren't strong organisational machines in place there. Rural seats tended to be stronger; Waitotara, Wairarapa and Pahiatua were key strongholds.

And so was Wellington Central: Fran Wilde held the seat narrowly in 1990, but with the by-election in '92, and a very close contest in '93, the organisational infrastructure in the seat was unrivalled anywhere else in the Wellington region. Wellington Central was akin to Tamaki in Auckland: largest city membership by a long stretch, strong branch structure and key members holding divisional leadership roles.

Part of the reason some seats declined organisationally in Wellington was the shift to MMP: boundaries expanded by seventy percent, mergers occurred, and in the process half of the seats became negligibly significant. McCardle and Michael Laws did nothing to keep their local organisations alive, and in any case, had been contemplating a jump for some time.

But Wellington Central was a very strong seat; the electoral accommodation made to Peter Dunne in Ohariu was only possible because National's local organisation was so weak. Bolger's decision to pull the rug out on Mark only happened that way because there was no way, whatsoever, that Wellington Central would have rolled over if they had been consulted as Ohariu had been.

Mark was 49th on the list in 1996--partly as a result of Wellington Central's own scheming to get two MPs backfiring on itself when it nominated Annabel Young as their list MP, ahead of Mark. Mark's only chance in Parliament was as the local MP.

The National Party probably learned some pretty important lessons from those exercises; Wellington Central survived pretty well after 1996, despite their grumpiness at Mark. Electoral accommodations can happen, but the biggest risk to subsequent organisational collapse is if the activists feel that they are losing an MP. That's not really the case, this time, in Epsom.

Richard Worth is guaranteed a place this time on National's list. He's not far and away a stellar performer in the House, by any means. His contribution to politics is far less than his contribution to the legal profession. He's the kind of solid, dependable National performers who make little noise and create little fuss. His fate, as the local MP, is entirely in Don Brash's hands.

It's too close to call what will happen with Epsom. Whether Brash makes a call to National voters to back Rodney depends on a range of issues: whether Act will deliver at least 3% support, whether National will need that support to form a government, and whether Act will fit comfortably within a coalition with other parties.

Brash has succeeded in cannibalising most of the other centre-right vote. He doesn't want to guarantee Act representation unless he absolutely needs it. A negative possible result, from his perspective, would be if Act gained two percent of the vote and won Epsom, and National still couldn't form a government: it would have given a rival for the centre-right vote more opportunity to capture National vote next time.

And Act haven't yet shown that they can come up with at least three percent of the vote. That could change over the next thirteen days, but there's been no indication at this stage that Act will deliver a substantial benefit to National's ability to form a coalition.

Rodney will continue to make preposterous claims about his support-base on the strength of his push-polling, but he also runs the risk of alienating the very National supporters in Epsom he is wanting to vote for him. Suggestions that he has some of his supporters posing as National activists, door-knocking and implying that there is an official directive for National voters to back Rodney--is a dangerous strategy.

Rodney won't win Epsom on his own merits. Not even against Richard Worth. But Brash may still make the call.

Friday, September 02, 2005

An Act of Contrition: Apology to Michael Wood

Those of you who know me personally appreciate that I am not well disposed to making apologies. It’s not my style. My preferred strategy, when I piss people off, is to get them to apologise for getting cranky at me.

But when I consider some of the great apologies of history that never happened, I have to rethink this one. It occurs to me that the torch of time could possibly have cast a different light on Pol Pot if he had shown remorse for the killing fields of Cambodia. Idi Amin might have escaped world opprobrium for his mass murder, torture, genocide and generally unsavoury behaviour during the eight years he terrorised Uganda, if he had once paused and said he was sorry. Perhaps John Denver would have taken his rightful, and otherwise deserved place, among the musical Almighties if he had retracted from being a pinko, commie, whale-loving greenie.

With their mortal flames extinguished, the opportunities for each of them have passed.

Of course, there are those who are forced to atone for things that they shouldn’t. Air New Zealand pilots, for example, should not be prevented from making a dig at a humourless and hypersensitive Prime Minister. Had I been master of the cockpit when Auntie Helen appeared to dress me down, I would have answered simply: “Prime Minister, it was a joke. As much as you think you are the boss of everything that moves in this country, international civil aviation law specifies quite clearly that I am in charge of this particular airplane at this particular moment. So go back to your frigging seat, stop whining, and lighten up. And give me a fucking tax cut, you bitch!”

Sadly, I was not sitting in the cockpit yesterday morning. I don’t apologise for that, because a mere failure to achieve a commercial pilot’s license and virtual compulsory membership of such a morally bereft union as the Airline Pilot’s Association is not, of itself, something that one needs to redress.

To a similar degree, John Tamihere should not have had to apologise to Helen Clark for merely telling Ian Wishart how it is. He should probably have excused himself for his excruciating taste in lunch partners, but that is another matter.

I do not wish to be known as the one person who had his chance to atone for grievous error, yet rejected that occasion. Nor do I wish to be known as the guy who was forced to purge myself by others, and absolved only half-heartedly. This act of self-pardon, I assure you, dear reader, is absolutely voluntary, and not made in duress.

As a background, some readers of my blog may have observed that, from time to time, I have made comments about Labour’s candidate for Pakuranga, Michael Wood. I have variously asserted that Michael Wood is a moron, a puppet, a union stalking-shetland, a smarmy little shit with no concept of the real world, and that he is incompetent to cast a vote in a civil society, let alone stand for public office. Other writers, such as Cathy Odgers, have also made reference to just how thoroughly dull and tedious Michael is, and that even his own mother must find him boring. I have personally got stuck into Michael for being so utterly banal, but I do not have the maternal talent that Cathy has to anticipate how his mother sees him.

The general impression I have given of Michael is that he is, by far and away, entirely the worst possible piece of cannon-fodder in the Labour Party’s non-existent defense of its appalling record of Government. I have alleged that there could not possibly be anybody even nearly as terrible as Michael Wood either in the Labour Party, or in any other political insititution.

As of last night, I now realize that I was wrong about Michael, and for that, I apologise unreservedly. My view of him has changed substantially.

Yes, dear reader. In my state of remorse—and as rare as this state is—I should explain the reasons.

Last night, I followed my own advice, and attended the Tamaki meet-the-candidates meeting. On stage were National’s Allan Peachey, Act’s Ken Shirley, the usual suspects from the Greens and New Zealand First (the usual suspects being eccentric nobodies who realise that they have no hope of achieving public office), and Labour’s Leila Boyle.

Peachey was strong. He’s used to public speaking, and was comfortable in that forum. Ken Shirley was forceful and affable as always, and demonstrated a degree of competence to which none from the Left could hope to aspire, even after fifteen years of Parliamentary experience. And then we had the Labour candidate.

I don’t envy Leila Boyle. Being the Labour candidate for Tamaki is an open invitation to receive a public flogging. Nice for the masochistic types, but Leila clearly was not enjoying herself. I suspect that Michael Wood is in very much the same boat in Pakuranga: he knows that he’s on a hiding to nothing in the electorate, that the Party Vote is a goner, and that he is merely standing so that Labour can tell the country that it is putting up candidates in every seat.

But that’s the point. If you’re a Labour activist, and you stand in a blue-ribbon National seat, then you must be prepared to take a thorough beating. And you must look as if you are enjoying it. The only way to demonstrate that you like the thrashing is to thrash back. Fundamentally, you have to be very tough, and give as good as you get.

Not so with Leila Boyle. She spent eight minutes reading from her speech a whole lot of recycled propaganda that none of her audience believed. She fumbled around explaining away Labour’s ideological aversion to tax cuts, and deferred to the Green Party candidate on most technical policy issues. Her worst moment was when she claimed that we had the lowest crime rate in twenty-five years, and then qualified herself that it was merely a reported crime rate. Peachey responded to one question, following Leila, by standing up and saying: "I think the Government takes us for fools." And then he sat down.

As if Leila's words were not just plain stupid, she excelled in her non-performance by delivering with no sense of conviction whatsoever. She physically flinched whenever a tricky issue was put to her. She flailed. She floundered. She flucked up.

Now, I’ve spent a lot of time with politicians. I’ve seen some pretty lame performances before. But what I witnessed last night from the Labour candidate for Tamaki was oratory at its least convincing, rhetoric at its least plausible, and propaganda at its least effective. Afterwards, speaking to a National Party activist, I remarked to him just how appalled I was that Labour was dishing up such a sad, sorry, socialist political hack as their representative in Tamaki. He responded that National’s strategy to maximise the National Party vote in the seat is to get Leila to talk as much as possible. She is the best weapon that National has got.

In conclusion, if you are reading this Michael—and I know you are, because you are the identity behind many of the anonymous comments to my blog—I confess that I have done you a massive disservice.

Granted, I have never seen you speak. But I can say now that you are not far and away, absolutely the most atrocious candidate for political office that the Great Labour Party has ever had. No, indeed, Michael, I retract that suggestion, and apologise unreservedly.

Because in Leila Boyle, I know, you have a clear contender for that spot.

Thursday, September 01, 2005

Why the Treaty Should Be Buried

When liberal white activists jump up and down with their limp-wristed defence of giving Maori special privileges in legislation over non-Maori, I get annoyed. Annoyed enough to go and thump the wowsers in the head. White liberals, who share a range of doctrines, don’t fight back. They’re also peaceniks and pacifists, which makes them incapable of taking a whallop without going off to cry to Momma.

I descend from a long line of people who didn’t cry to Momma. They hit back. My father’s father was a third-generation Welsh New Zealander. Born at the turn of the century, he had a rich appreciation of his cultural heritage. That heritage was steeped in poverty, oppression, and human conditions that made Maori village life, by comparison, appear absolutely idyllic.
That was the heritage of an immigrant coal-miner. When the Welsh settled in New Zealand in the mid-19th Century, they arrived to expect a life that was better than existed in the Welsh coal mines. In reality, what many came to was merely a transplantation of the very lives they had lived in their homeland; on the West Coast of the South Island, in Southland and on the Coromandel, the Welsh continued to perish down black holes. Travelling the short journey from Greymouth to Blackball—the birthplace of the New Zealand Labour Party in 1915, dairy farms are littered with statues and monuments of coal mining disasters in an age when some human life was literally worth less than a chunk of coal.

So life began grimly for my grandfather; he was the youngest of ten children born in Cromwell, of whom only four would make it into adulthood. So as a twelve year old, he had two choices: to follow his heritage, and continue the path that his ancestors had trodden, and climb down the same black holes that his forefathers had climbed, or to make something of the new opportunities that life in New Zealand—however grim they may have been.

My grandfather chose the latter. He became a clerk in a bank. He was good with numbers, and by fourteen had learned to read. By the age of thirty-four, when war broke out in Europe again, he was a bank manager, and enjoying a level of prosperity that none of his ancestors had ever considered possible. That “rich Welsh heritage”, which provided so many lyrical songs and national pride—and a fearsome rugby team—was no longer appropriate to a successful life in a post-industrial revolutionary New Zealand. My grandfather continued to sing his Welsh songs, and continued to love his people and country, and continued to support his rugby team. But here’s the rub. At the age of twelve, he took responsibility for who he wanted to become: instead of looking back on the dismal failure of his forefathers to make the most of what they had, he looked ahead to a future that he could create for himself.

And my grandfather’s story is typical of many tens of thousands of immigrant stories in New Zealand. It is also typical of immigrant stories to Australia and the United States: people leaving the dismal, grim lives they had in Europe to a land of opportunity. Collectively, immigrants to the United States and Australia have made those countries great. In New Zealand, we are almost there, too.

But not quite. And one of those aspects that is holding us back is our obsession with the Treaty of Waitangi.

Although my grandfather was not a signatory to the Treaty in 1840, another ancestor was.

But where white, middle-class liberals fall down is their insistence that the Treaty was a partnership. It wasn’t. It was not considered a partnership at the time, and it is fraudulent to consider it a partnership now.

The Treaty was signed to establish several things: British sovereignty over New Zealand in 1840--in order to prevent inevitable annexation by another foreign power; the rights of Maori to have the same privileges of citizenship as British subjects; and the authority and control over both non-Maori and Maori in a country that was falling into increasing disorder.

Maori were separated into tribal groupings that had little common interest--non-Maori were settling in New Zealand anyway, and there was no capacity in New Zealand prior to the Treaty to control the process of settlement. Why? Because nobody had the legal authority to control that process. By becoming the sovereign power over New Zealand, Britain took responsibility for controlling the excesses of settlement that were already occurring. Prior to the signing of the Treaty, there was no control.

The reasons that various chiefs signed the Treaty were varied. It is fair to say that many of the Chiefs who signed—and there were more than 500 in all—did not understand the implications of ceding sovereignty to the British Crown. That was not a matter of the British misleading them on the implications; in 1840 New Zealand, 180,000 Maori were grouped across hundreds of tribal groupings. For all intents and purposes, it was a stone-age society. They were considerably more advanced than many other indigenous populations elsewhere in the world, but they were by no means civilized. Inter-tribal warfare was rife: Ngapuhi and the Waikato were almost constantly at war with each other, and Te Rauparaha was terrorizing the South Island. Cannibalism was common, and respect for civil institutions and human rights was non-existent, because both civil institutions, and human rights, were non-existent.

Some chiefs signed the Treaty because they thought they would get to wear a British officer’s uniform if they were subject to the Sovereign. Others signed to stop duplicitous activities by settlers. Still others believed they would be protected by the more savage opposing tribes. Many thought that life would continue as usual. And many did not sign. Of those that did, at Waitangi more than two hundred Maori chiefs each said after signing the document: "We are now one people."

But the signing of the Treaty established, to the best possible extent, a British right to claim New Zealand. That is the authority that the Treaty established. If a Treaty had not been agreed, then Britain would have annexed New Zealand anyway. It was, at best, a soft means of achieving greater Maori cooperation in gaining British sovereignty over New Zealand.

That is why the Treaty was an important historical document, but has absolutely no relevance to modern-day New Zealand. Attempts by the liberal left to use it to explain away their guilt complexes, by giving greater privileges to Maori than non-Maori, is an abuse, and a disgrace.

It is true that many Maori were not treated as British subjects, and were discriminated against post-1840. Injustices did occur. They were not, however, breaches of the Treaty, but breaches of British law guaranteeing equal rights to Maori.

Which is why the Treaty settlements process is appropriate, to an extent. But only in a limited sense. In many ways, the gesture does more damage than the settlement. And that is for this reason: no settlement process can adequately compensate Maori for the actual injustices that were done. By focusing attention on how to settle historical grievances, some Maori continue to claim that the grievance continues to exist.

Tariana Turia copped flak for her claim that Maori suffered a “holocaust”. While it is true that disease and illness were sweeping their way through Maori society in the mid-late 19th Century, it was not a deliberate attempt to extinguish Maori society. It was an unfortunate, and inevitable, historical consequence of two societies meeting together. But to suggest that Maori today suffer from the consequences of historical grievance is wrong.

That claim is no more valid than my claim of historical injustice against the Welsh people over a much longer period than Maori ever suffered. In reality, every person in the world today could make a claim of grievance based on generational, and historical misfortune. But I don’t make that claim. Why? Because at some point, human beings have to take responsibility for their own actions, and decide that irrespective of historical injustices, they are not going to allow themselves to be held down by continuing to blame failure on those injustices. The Welsh did exactly that. So did countless other indigenous societies that have been successful in a modern world. In short, they hardened up.

The typical test of character for a human being occurs around the age of twelve. It determines whether they are going to take responsibility for themselves and become a success in later life, or if they are going to resort to mediocrity and non-achievement. New Zealand’s education system indoctrinates Maori at precisely that age: the liberal agenda tells them that they are a failure because of historical wrongdoing. It tells them that they need special rights and privileges in order to make a success of themselves: it attempts to relieve them of the very responsibility that they need to take.

Abolition of Treaty clauses in legislation—there are over 4,700 individual references to Maori in all of New Zealand’s acts of Parliament—do not achieve greater benefit for Maori. At best, they provide a platform of privilege for an elite few, and allow some liberals to relieve their guilt complexes by thinking they have resolved historical wrongs. In that, they are wrong: historical wrongs cannot be fixed. It can only be accepted that they have occurred, and to create the conditions where every New Zealander has the equal opportunity to create their own destiny.

But abolition of Treaty Clauses are only the first step. In effect, to make actual change, we need to eliminate the liberal agenda that transfers blame for current failure on historical events that have little impact on present achievement.

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Confession Time

Folks, I didn't think I would be able to contain myself for much longer. So now, I must make a confession before some other keen blogger reports the truth.

I confess that I have, at various times, given advice to Labour Party ministers on policy and strategic issues. I have corresponded by email with those Ministers. I have made asides that could be construed as suggesting that I would personally benefit from the implementation of that advice.

I admit, further, that I am staunchly right-wing, and that some Ministers have taken my advice into account and implemented those policies.

Before the scandal erupts, I should state categorically that some of the advice I provided was of a controversial nature to certain fringe political groupings. In the main, however, the advice that I gave was mainstream and broadly accepted by mainstream New Zealanders. Given my relationship with other parts of the Labour Party--one of intense acrimony--the fact that some Ministers have considered my advice is a sign of an obvious and fundamental rift within the Labour Party.

I may well be accused of having the Labour Party in my back pocket. The Labour Party may try to play down this outrageous scandal, but my conscience does not allow me to suppress it any further.

Political Bloodsport

Every party has its cringe-inducing types. Some party lists are more cringe-inducing than others. The question is not whether the party has a potential embarrassment in their ranks, but the precise numbers of time-bombs that are just waiting to go off.

Take Brian Connell. National Party MP who succeeded Jenny Shipley in Rakaia, and then proceeded to announce in the middle of an election campaign, in 2002, that he intended to lead the National Party. Bold statement. Stupid statement. Cringeful statement.

There is a fine line between political naivety—the off-the-cuff comment made before one has learned the rigours of office and dangers of making stupid statements—and being stupid. It’s a fair call that Brian Connell ranks as downright stupid. Michelle Boag did the National Party a minor disservice when she didn’t throw her weight behind her namesake, Stu, to take over Jenny Shipley’s seat. To be fair to Michelle, she did more than redeem herself by bringing in Don Brash, John Key, Judith Collins, and Allan Peachey into the fold. Even with Brian Connell there, it’s hard to cringe at the Nats performance when they’ve got a stellar cast of superstars.

Act’s Muriel Newman is a nice enough lady. But not superbly sharp. Politically immensely stupid. A few years back, I was sitting in an Act MPs office, when Muriel wandered in, wanting some ideas on what to talk about during a slot she had in Parliament to discuss tariff reforms. I told her to go through the Tariff Schedule, and observe that while the Government imposed no tariff on the importation of nuclear reactors—which had a zero duty in the schedule—they were proposing to maintain a tariff on the importation of shoes. Muriel got quite excited at this, and went off to look at the schedule. Unfortunately, when it came to speaking in the House, she got slightly confused, and didn’t mention the shoes. Instead she proposed raising the tariff on nuclear reactors.

New Zealand First. Where do we start? Well, Winston holds his own. Ron Mark is a very solid performer. Brian Donnelly always knows his brief. And the list ends there. Simon Upton rated Doug Woollerton highly when the latter was his long-time electorate chairman in Raglan, but I’ve always found his slow, hokeyesque drawl to be deeply annoying. Useful in a party chairman to keep things in order by boring the elderly members off to sleep, rather than engage in a controversial remit. Peter Brown is a well-meaning guy, but has the intellectual grunt of a dead camel. Taking a stab at Dail Jones, he’s simply a git. The others I don’t know, but any party that nominates Jenny Bloxham among its ranks, at any stage, ever, has suffered enough cringe-inducing behaviour to last a lifetime. One aspect that Winston has managed well, however, to control the potential embarrassment, is to get them all to shut up. It works well.

I’m politically coloured with respect to the Greens. They all make me sick. Whether it’s Sue Kedgeley’s downright hypocrisy, Rod Donald’s slipperiness, or Keith Locke’s ideologically-driven fruitiness, I can’t honestly say that there is a single MP in their line-up who I could dine with. Ian Ewen-Street was a nice guy, but he got disillusioned with the Greens’ socialist agenda. Jeanette Fitzsimons is far too stupid to ever run a political party. Rod Donald knows this, which is why he runs it. And that is very disturbing, if the Greens and Labour are ever in a position to form a Government. Labour don’t trust Donald, and rightfully so. They trust Jeanette, because she’s too naïve to understand what Government’s doing. But with Rod behind her, Labour—and the country—are in deep trouble.

Jim Anderton’s platitudes used to make me irate. Now it’s his downright tedium that is so frustrating. He makes me cringe.

And now for the Labour Party. Phil Goff, Damien O’Connor, and John Tamihere are the only ones I’d have over to dinner. Paul Swain, Mark Peck and on a good day, Michael Cullen, I’d stop in the street to chat to them. On a bad day I’d push Paul Swain over, inject booze into Mark Peck, and punch out Dr Cullen. I would harangue them all for selling their souls for being part of such a regrettable bunch of drop-kicks that includes such lecherous and/or pathetic political specimens as Steve Maharey, Parekura Horomia, Marion Hobbes, Judith Tizard, Dover Samuels, Jill Pettis, Darren Hughes, Mahara Okeroa, Ann Hartley, Helen Duncan, Dave Hereroa, Nanaia Mahuta, and Dianne Yates. I mean, really. What a sad, sorry bunch of losers they are.

And among that Hall of Inane, we must add Labour’s candidate for Pakuranga. Michael Wood is a classic example of the mediocrity that infects Labour today. You can even see his blog, at www.woodm.blogspot.com , to get a clear feel for the absolute banality that plagues the Labour Party list. They are not the great intellectuals, the keen debaters, the achievers of Modern New Zealand. No, dear readers. They are union hacks, with no concept of economic reality. This is the best that Labour can bring out, and it is a savage indictment on the party of superstars that David Lange once led.

On the bright side, Michael brings entertainment to this election, for the simple reason that he is just so weak. He is easy pickings. On-line, his defence and explanations for Government inaction come across as a minor party apparatchik using the standard propaganda that he’s too thick to understand.

Oh, how I would love to go to a Pakuranga electorate meeting and launch into him. You know. Make him cry. Teach him an important lesson about the real world: that if he’s ever going to contemplate a serious political career, then he needs to harden up, get smart, and think real.

Michael, of course, is not alone. On Labour’s list this year, only one new candidate stands out, and that is Louisa Wall. Even then, her only distinction is that she’s photogenic, and in that sense, at least raises one of Labour’s exceptionally low standards just ever-so-slightly.

So I encourage you to go to your meet-the-candidate meetings. Ask tricky questions of Labour’s candidates. Get them to explain why Labour MPs lie so much about what National is doing; why Labour offered such a shitty budget, and is now bribing non-taxpayers with taxpayers money.

Yes, folks. Watch the fuckers squirm. And don’t let them off the hook. Quiz them about Maori excesses, about the wananga, about the sad and sorry state of tertiary and secondary education, about what has happened to the $16 billion of extra tax revenue that the Government has collected this year over 1999, and just when Labour is going to admit that it’s hard-working taxpayers, and people with initiative and creativity who make a strong economy, and not Michael Cullen.

Grill them. Take them apart on every issue. That is the beauty of democracy. And Labour will learn that it can’t simply pass off such a pedestrian bunch of losers onto the electorate again.

Monday, August 29, 2005

Absence Explained

Today I have returned from holiday, only to find that many of my readers are disgruntled that I have not kept my blog going. Why, they all ask, have I not updated my blog?

Because, you fuckers, I WAS ON FUCKING HOLIDAY! You don’t like that? THEN EAT SHIT!

I don’t take holidays often. I find that it’s prudent to avoid holidays. Whenever I do take a break, I invariably end up in some kind of trouble. Like in a jail cell, or with work in crisis, or suddenly discovering that I have become a key investor in a racehorse/ski chalet/goat farm/seedy bar. Yes folks. All different and unique stories that have one key characteristic in common: I was on holiday, and drunk at the time.

My first day away from the office, I got a call from my PA at ten am, asking me the whereabouts of a certain document. “It’s on my fucking computer,” I answer.

“Where?”

“No fucking idea. Google desktop it.”

Two more calls later over the next hour, and I instructed her that for all further requests for information, she was to ask my director. An hour later, I had my director calling me, asking for the same stuff, plus a few other things my PA hadn't yet managed to ask me.

“Don’t know. Look on my fucking computer,” I answer.

“Where?” he asks.

“Look for it. It’s there. Unless it’s not there, in which case I haven’t written it yet, which I’m not going to do before I return from my holiday anyway, so if you can’t fucking find it, then there’s nothing to be done about it.”

My director sighs his ‘I’m barely tolerating you’ sigh.

“Oh, and by the way,” I say.

“Yes?”

“There is one document that I haven’t yet completed.”

“Oh?” My director asks.

“Yes,” I say. “It’s my request for annual leave. Which means that given that I haven’t actually applied for annual leave, then technically I’m not on annual leave right now. Which would probably explain why I’ve been receiving so many phone calls from you fuckers over the past two hours. Since I only have about three genuinely useful and productive telephone conversations each work day, you’ve already used up your limit. So I’m going to call it a day today, and not count today as annual leave. And any further calls I get between now and when I return from annual leave, I’m going to deduct from the annual leave that I had originally intended to claim.”

Suffice to say, I continued to receive phone calls over the next five days, and I have arrived back at my desk with no more paperwork on it than when I left, and have no intention of filing a retrospective request for annual leave. After all, since I had not managed to get drunk enough to make any ridiculous personal investment decisions while on holiday, I concluded that I hadn’t actually been on holiday at all.

It so happened that while I was away, the refit of the top floor of our building was completed. Due to some cunning bureaucratic sleight of hand, my team managed to secure part of the top floor. I don’t recall precisely how this happened, but it was something along the lines of when drunk at after-work drinks, I diplomatically suggested to my chairman: “I’m moving to the top fucking floor.”

The refit of the top floor took a couple of months to complete. The HR manager, in whose good books I have yet to make an appearance, spent some time deciding the furniture, décor and office layout. Painstakingly, she spent some weeks consulting broadly about the appropriate seating plan, paying keen regard to the intricate principles of feng shui and office politics.

I arrived this morning to see the new structure. This time, I spoke to my director who had so generously given me a week’s extra leave. I said to him: “Nice office lay-out. I don’t care where I sit, as long as it’s in the corner next to a window. Figure there’s no point in me being on the top floor if I’m not in the corner, next to the window.”

My director began to launch into a pre-prepared speech about the effort that the HR manager had put into the seating arrangements, and made a reference to feng shui.

“I’m sorry,” I say to him. “You must have mistaken me for a Chinaman. If I’m not wrong, there isn’t a single person on this fucking floor who is Chinese. Feng shui doesn’t matter to fucking anyone. I’m going to a meeting, and then I’m going to lunch.”

So off I trodded to my supposed client meeting. On my way, I get a call from the HR manager.

“Your director says you want to change the seating plan,” she says.

“No,” I reply. “I just said I didn’t care where I sit, as long as it’s in the corner, by the window.”

HR Manager then tries to launch into a detailed explanation of her rationale for seating various people in various places. I interrupt: “I’m sorry. That’s not my job. That’s your job to sort that shit out. I don’t think I’m being unreasonable, am I?”

“Why couldn’t you have told me last week?” she asks, exasperated.

“Because I was on fucking holiday last week!” I say.

“You didn’t file for it!” she says.

“That’s not the fucking point,” I say, “and nor is it the point that I don’t intend to file for it. What is the point, I think, is that I’m giving you plenty of options here. Four options, in fact. There are four corners.”

“But you can’t have one! People have already moved to their new offices!”

“Then move them again before they get fucking attached to them,” I suggest helpfully.

HR Manager begins jabbering about procedures and protocols. Again, I interrupt her: “Look. You are the HR Manager. You are empowered to make these important decisions that affect the smooth performance of the workplace environment. Since I actually make money for this firm, and since you are just a fucking overhead, I think you should make an important decision.”

And with that, I rang off, turned off my cellphone, went into a meeting, then went to lunch, and returned to my new corner office on the top floor. Four other people had been moved to accommodate me.

But there were some stressful moments there, I tell you. So stressful, dear reader, that I think I need a holiday.

Monday, August 15, 2005

Labour Isn't Listening!

Amusing to see that the Labour Party's newest up-and-coming star, Pakuranga candidate Michael Wood, has disabled the comments feature on his blog. Apparently, he's not prepared to engage in debate anymore.

Poor Michael. And he was doing so well!

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Miss Coromandel: The Second Part

I must admit that I am somewhat perplexed at the extra traffic that has been coming to my blog since I posted the first part of my Miss Coromandel story. Comments have emerged from a range of sources: David Farrar suggested I was trying to compete with Cathy Odgers on the outrageous dating front; Cathy contends that she’s much more polite than I; and some randomly pompous pinko commies that have no lives outside of their blogs have, in all of their envy, claimed that the kind of world that I inhabit does not exist.

I don’t think it’s too extreme to purport that whether I actually exist is akin to whether God exists. It is an act of faith to believe in God; if you have seen evidence of God’s work, then you are more likely to believe in Him. By the same token, those who know and have seen people like me have faith that I exist. I guess the fundamental point in all of this—and it’s a subtle theological point—is that like God, I don’t fucking care whether you believe I exist. If you don’t have faith, then you’re not in the elite circle, and you’re not sharing the joys and privileges of being in that circle. The difference between my circle, and God’s circle, is that mine is full of hot, easy chicks who will do anything to associate with a guy as cool as me.

It begs the question, really. If the pinko commie hordes who have never experienced being cool don’t believe that coolness exists, why do they obsess with the question?

But this isn’t story isn’t about them. It’s about me and Miss Coromandel.

In the last episode, I reported that Miss Coromandel left my apartment forty dollars wealthier, without having performed any sexual favours of the evening. The rest of that morning passed relatively uneventfully, except for the arrival of a very hot booty-call, whose name I do not remember, although she did have a talent for performing a certain bodily function with considerable expertise, which is a story on its own, and not directly related to Miss Coromandel.

On the Tuesday of that week, I got a call at the office from Miss Coromandel. She asked me if I’d like to see her again that week. I responded that regretfully, I was out of town on business for the rest of the week. She asked about Friday night.

“Friday I’m going to visit my sister,” I answered.

I don’t have a sister. I never have. If I did have one, I don’t think I’d be on sufficiently good terms with her to make social calls. Even if I did make social calls, I certainly wouldn’t be blowing away my whole fucking Friday night by going to see the stupid bitch when I could be shagging hot chicks. The real motive was that I had a hot date planned that Friday.

“Oh, that’s nice,” she said. “Why are you going to see her?”

“Because, ummm, she’s just had a baby boy, and there’s a family gathering. His name’s Adam.” This was particularly creative, I thought. In the space of less than a minute, I had created both Man and Woman. It was no wonder that chicks think I’m a fucking God, and that the ones who don’t are as ugly as literal sin. But I thought I’d roll with it: “And since Sunday is the Seventh Day, that’s my day of rest.”

Miss Coromandel rang off after a few more moments of prattle, and I resumed my work.

Friday arrived quickly. Hot Date turns up at my place for pre-dinner drinks. She drinks gin. I have a rather fullish bottle of Bombay Sapphire remaining from the previous week’s party, which through some holy intervention was not consumed by either of the comatose drunks before they passed out.

Within thirty minutes of some very stiff drinks, Hot Date and I are well on our way to getting boozed. Conversation isn’t entirely stimulating, but that’s not even a secondary consideration, given how hot she is. As the Bombay begins to repudiate its own bottle, as it were, she’s becoming an even more exquisite species. She’s into me, thinks I’m amusing, and before long, pre-dinner drinks has turned into pre-dinner sex.

It is my opinion that pre-dinner sex has many benefits. It is invariably better than end-of-night sex, because there is always the risk that at the end of the night, one of the parties will be so exhausted through a combination of booze and simply staying awake, that staying awake is no longer possible. Pre-dinner, neither of the parties have been sapped of their day-time energy. Dinner is much more relaxing. No more point in being nervous, because you’ve already fucked the chick opposite you. And if you need a break between sessions, then dinner is the perfect interlude. I’m not the nervous type anyway, but strongly recommend the practice. Hot sex with Hot Date is the ultimate icebreaker.

So off we tread to dinner, which is cheaper on account of not having to fork out for expensive shite that would in non-post-shagging circumstances have been intended merely to impress Hot Date. And what do you think a guy does, once he’s already fucked Hot Date and taken her to dinner?

Yes indeed. He takes her to a karaoke bar.

The usual bar line-up greets me at the door, with the barman giving that knowing grin that this is yet another outstandingly tidy specimen of the female species accompanying me inside, and I order my regular and a gin. A table is cleared for me, and I sit down and start suggesting songs for Hot Date.

Hot Date is not absolutely keen to sing solo, which is fine, as singing, and music for that matter, defeats the entire purpose of karaoke. I’m a wee way through my third drink by the time I am aware that somebody is hovering behind me.

“That’s not your fucking sister,” bleats the somebody.

I turn and recognize the somebody. I figure at this point that I have got myself entangled in what is commonly known as an “awkward situation”. Let it be said, not being a person famed for his tact and empathy, awkward situations tend to come my way often. I am well used to them. I have developed management strategies to deal with them. Albeit without tact and empathy.

“Miss Coromandel,” I say, standing as a gentleman should when a hot chick has entered his presence. “I would like you to meet my sister. Sister, this is Miss Coromandel.”

“You’re such a fucking bastard,” Miss Coromandel refrains. “You told me you were going to see your sister with her new baby.”

“And my sister was tired of dealing with all the family and new baby, so I said I’d take her out to sing a song. Is that so wrong?”

The verbal barrage from Miss Coromandel was explicit. Too explicit to place on such a respectable and honourable blog as this. Suffice to say that I was morally appalled that a girl so young would have such a vocabulary. Suffice also to say that I did not expect a young woman who allegedly represented all that was clean and beautiful about the great province of the Coromandel would direct such verbal filth in my direction.

My rescue from this awkward situation came from unexpected quarters. It was Hot Date herself who stood, and slapped Miss Coromandel squarely in the face. Hard. It was extremely erotic. I did my best to stifle a very loud laugh, but did not succeed. Then Hot Date spoke:

“Fuck off, you nasty-mouthed little slut. He’s here with me. Get your shit together, and piss off.”

And so Miss Coromandel turned, with a tear forming in her eye, humiliated, with no response and no more fetid language. Which was a great relief, since my ears hurt when I hear a hot chick swear.

I have never been more proud of womankind for standing up for what she believes in, as I was right then, with Hot Date. If I wasn’t such a philandering bastard, and didn’t get so bored with the one woman so easily, and could afford another divorce in as many years, then I would have married her. Instead I suggested we bail from karaoke and go back to my place and fuck. She agreed to that plan, with the slight amendment that we sing a song first.

The week proceeded uneventfully, until Tuesday. I had been out of town for work—genuinely, this time—and got back to my office and checked my voice messages. Interspersed with calls from clients and associates were three hysterical communications from a voice I now knew far too well. The gist of the messages was: “You’re a bastard, and you’re a fucking bastard, and I fucking hate you. And you're still a bastard.”

This was a new experience for me. I have never had a beauty queen leave obscene messages on my office phone. It was amusing, I admit, but it was the kind of novelty that soon wears off.

Tuesday night, in my apartment, I had retired to the cold chastity of my celibate chamber, and gone to sleep. At 2am, my intercom sounds. I go and see on the video screen that Miss Coromandel was standing downstairs, outside. She did not have the expression on her face of a chick who is sober.

She buzzed the intercom a few more times. I watched for a bit longer, willing on more tantrums and tirades. In time, they came. “I know you’re fucking up there, you fucking bastard. I fucking hate you!”

And then Miss Coromandel turned away. I went back to bed.

The next morning, Miss Coromandel calls me again at work. This time I’m at my desk, and can answer. I pick up the phone: “Yes.”

“You’re a fucking bastard, and I fucking hate you.”

“Why?” I ask.

“Because you fucking lied to me about going to see your fucking sister, when you were fucking that chick.”

“Yeah, so I lied. So what?”

“You’re a fucking liar,” Miss Coromandel explained.

“Yes, probably,” I say coolly. “And are you calling me from your work now?”

“Yes,” she says.

“Fair enough. Look, I understand that for some reason you’re angry with me. That’s fine. But it’s probably not a good idea to call me and scream down the phone at me while I’m at work. Especially if you’re doing it from your work. I don’t imagine it’s very helpful for the people who are working around you, for them to be able to do their work, is it?”

“I don’t fucking care!” Miss Coromandel answers.

“Right,” I say. “Do not call me at work. Ever. Is that clear?”

“Fine,” Miss Coromandel says. “I won’t, then.”

“Good. So thanks for calling. Bye.”

And would you believe, that to her outstanding credit, which I didn’t think she had, Miss Coromandel never called me back. This stunned me. An irate, scorned, vengeful young woman merely needed to be told never to call back again, and she did precisely that.

The epilogue to this story is brief. I did see her again in town a couple of weeks later. She started screaming at me, as did a group of friends she was with. In the middle of a pub. It was mildly irritating, but quite entertaining. Like the feeling you get when you tease a neighbour’s big dog, except the dog is stuck on the other side of the fence, and all it can do is bark. When they collectively paused for breath, I said loudly:

“Miss Coromandel, why did you bring your ugly friends out tonight? There’s not one of them I’d like to fuck, and that’s saying a lot, because I’m pretty drunk already.” And then I pulled out a pen from my pocket, turned over an oversized beer coaster, and drew on the back, and held it up.

“What the fuck is that?” one of them asked.

I turned it around and inspected my quick handiwork, to make sure it was legible. I had drawn a big circle. Satisfied, I said: “Can’t you fucking read the number zero, you stupid bint? Yes, that’s right. THE EAST GERMAN JUDGE GIVES YOU ALL A FUCKING ZERO!”

And then they all shut up and disappeared.

The final time I saw Miss Coromandel, a couple of months later, she was much more polite and proper. She had calmed down. She was in preparations for the Miss New Zealand title. She insisted that I buy her a drink, and flirted with me as she told me what a bastard I was. I agreed, and very civilly wished her well for her next big pageant.

Monday, August 08, 2005

The Miss Coromandel Saga

Yes, Tucker Max did it first. No need to tell me that. But his Miss Vermont story has encouraged me to document my perspectives on the virtues and general mental stability, or otherwise, of chicks who are successful at beauty pageants. My conclusion, on the basis of my experience and Tucker’s, is that they are invariably fucked in the head.

Now, I do not object to women who are psychologically disturbed. My view is that that is a chick’s natural state of being. The purpose of a beauty pageant is to show a woman in all her feminine glory: hot, semi-naked, virtuous, and willing to please a man by showing that she is concerned for the future of mankind. It shouldn’t be showing off a woman’s essential foibles.

I have a strongly biblical heritage. That heritage serves me well. I am a moral conservative, in all things except my own behaviour. I will tell gays that they will fry at the end of Satan’s fork for an eternity if they continue to invite God’s wrath by willfully engaging in sin and decrepitude. I have a religious objection to women who go to work and get fat on big lunches, when they could be doing much more for humanity simply by keeping themselves, and their houses, much tidier. I object to feminism, as a movement, on purely ethical grounds.

Women’s liberation, as far as I’m concerned, merely means women are free to stay hot. And beauty pageants are the apex of liberation. If more young girls were put through the rigours of beauty pageantry, then I would receive far fewer complaints from feminazis who view my thoughts as misogynistic and sexist. The hot ones wouldn’t even understand that sentence, but sway and swoon at the length of my words, and assume that I must be highly educated, and ergo, earn ridiculous amounts of money, which I could use to buy them flash stuff which they could adorn my bedroom floor with, as long as they continue to please me.

The great advantage of a beauty pageant is that it encourages women to be really hot, while lowering their self-esteem. As far as the contestant is concerned, everybody who sees her anywhere is a potential judge. Any slight reference to chicks with buttery thighs, or the many benefits of rhinoplasty, sends her into fear and panic.

But apart from all these really positive aspects of beauty contests, there is a downside. And this is where I begin to discuss my brief relationship with Miss Coromandel.

Miss Coromandel was sitting with a group of friends when I walked into what was an otherwise seedy karaoke bar. It is difficult for me to describe just how seedy this bar is, other than to say that it is the coolest karaoke bar in Wellington, and for a while I was one of its most valuable patrons. That makes it very seedy. Without blowing my own trumpet, it is fair to say that when I arrive at that bar on a quiet night, the manager gives a sigh of relief that at last his five previous hours of unprofitable business will suddenly become much more lucrative. Hence, when I arrive, the manager, the karaoke DJ, and the two waitresses ignored what they were otherwise doing, and lined up to welcome me into the bar.

Miss Coromandel saw that I was getting a reasonable degree of attention, which, if I were a chick, would have made her envious and catty. Instead, on account of my non-chickness, I was instantly exciting to her. I grabbed my usual, which was waiting for me by the time I reached the bar and had greeted everybody, gave the DJ a nod, indicating that he was to put up my preferred first song, and pulled up a pew next to Miss Coromandel’s table.

“Do you own this bar?” she asked.

“I have a financial interest in the bourbon price not going up, but I don’t own it, no.”

She giggled. I didn’t think what I said was particularly funny, but she began to giggle at everything I said. No, it wasn’t a giggle. It was a titter. The kind that Japanese girls do whenever I say something ridiculous in Japanese: they don’t actually understand what I’m saying, but find it bizarre that I’m saying it.

Didn’t particularly mind this strange mannerism, since she was seriously hot. Brunette with outstanding tits—I don’t necessarily prefer brunettes over blondes, or even a non-fanta-pants kind of ginga—but hers was natural. And legs that seemed to go up to my armpits.

Eventually, once I’d placed a bottle of “champagne” on the table—Miss Coromandel had insisted on “Lindauer Champagne”, her friends disappeared. I pour a glass for her, and she says to me: “Did you spike my drink?”

I’m still sober enough to find this question shocking. “Errrm, no. Sorry.”

“Damn,” she says. “I wish you had.”

Okay, so I begin to realize she’s a little bit strange. She’s also nineteen, and the reigning Miss Coromandel, which she’s talked about at length, irrespective of the boredom that it’s inciting in me. I compensate for the boredom by ordering three drinks for myself at a time, and perving at her tits.

I sang loudly and obnoxiously, got considerably more boozed, and at 3am decided to bail.


Miss Coromandel followed me out.

“So, where to next?” I ask.

She pulled me against her. “I want you to take me home and fuck me.”

“That’s a good plan,” I say drily, not quite sure whether she’s meaning her place or mine. Before I know what’s happening, she’s ordered a taxi, and we’re quickly moving towards her place. During the discussion, which doesn’t involve many words, since she’s groping and telling me how much she wants me to fuck her, she reveals that she lives with her younger brother, and that her mother and her lesbian lover live in the house next door. She makes a comment about how lesbianism is a revolting curse and blight on her moral principles.

“So you don’t do chicks, then?”

“Of course I do!” she says. “We could have got Brandy to join us, if you wanted.”

Not remembering which of the other chicks was Brandy, I let the slight inconsistency in her argument slide. We finally arrive, I pay off the driver, I realize that I have built up considerable pressure in my bladder, and start pissing on the nearest tree. “Which is your place?” I ask, trying to keep track of the house numbers.

“This one. Come on up when you’ve finished,” she answers. And after my Austin Powers-like pissathon, I do exactly that. I go up and knock on the door.

No answer.

I knock a little harder. Still no answer.

I’m not an extreeeemely patient guy at the best of times. And this chick was gagging for it. So I rap on the window. A kid answers. He’s about thirteen. I say to him: “Where’s your sister?”

Kid disappears momentarily, and opens the door, and leads me through to her room. She’s asleep. I prod her and say: “Okay, well, I’ll be off then.”

I go back towards the door, and she says: “Come back in, silly!”

A bit puzzled, I get my gear off and climb into bed next to her. By this time, she’s fallen fast asleep again. And she’s snoring. Realising I’m not going to get my rocks off, I start dozing myself.

Two minutes later, there’s a knock on the bedroom door. I’m starting to think that the scenario is slightly unorthodox. A hideously ugly woman opens the door, and sticks her head inside. “Miss Coromandel, is everything alright?”

Miss Coromandel stirs. From her mouth comes the most impressive string of expletives I’ve heard in a long time. “Fuck off, you ugly dyke bitch!” was the abbreviated version.

Ugly dyke bitch closes the door, and all is quiet again, except for Miss Coromandel’s resumed snoring. Ah, I get it, I think. It’s a snoring competition. Two can play this game. So I go to sleep as well.

My sleep doesn’t last long, as I wake up noticing that Miss Coromandel is fondling me again. It’s not an unpleasant experience. It continues its natural course, and pretty soon I am rating Miss Coromandel quite highly.

I make a quiet departure the next morning, having acquired her phone number, and return to my place. I don’t expect to call it again, since one night stands are best left for the one night. It’s a good policy that has held me in good stead over all these years.

The week passes. I move apartments, and am holding a gathering for a few friends to let them know where I live, so that they can pop in and either contribute to the booze, or drink mine. About a hundred people turn up, which is a reasonable turn-out on a rugby night. I’m in top form, getting increasingly plastered.

My apartment at the time was on the twelfth floor. The intercom goes, and I pick it up, and who should I see on the screen, but Miss Coromandel with one of her chick friends. I look around the room, and observe that there are slightly more males to females already, so think it’s worthwhile to invite them up.

Miss Coromandel is looking slightly worse for wear, having imbibed vodka somewhere else earlier in the evening. But she’s still hot, even if I know now just how slutty she is. She heads straight for the fridge, pulls out a couple of beers, and then out onto the balcony.

Now, I’m not the kind of guy to strictly observe party etiquette. But I imagine that there are certain ways of behaving at beauty pageants, which Miss Coromandel apparently found somewhat constrictive. She did not follow the same rules at my apartment. After she’d thrown the second empty bottle of beer down onto the busy street, I decided it was time to have a little talk.

“Miss Coromandel,” I say. “It’s probably not a good idea to throw beer bottles down onto the road. It’s the middle of Wellington, and people are walking past, and you may well hit a car.”

“Oh, you’re so fucking boring,” she ripostes confidently.

“No, if you’re going to hiff something down, make it a champagne glass, or something. Less glass in that, and much less likely to injure somebody than a bottle. And if the neighbours complain, then I will get in trouble. Since this is my first night here, I’d rather not alienate them completely.”

At that point, Miss Coromandel grabs my shirt, and asks me if I will fuck her straight away. I say something about her snoring, take a swig of my drink, and then talk to the rest of the party.

An hour later, we’re all in the pub. I am extremely intoxicated, which is my habit when I’ve hosted a party. I’m slightly aware that there is a pair of guests who are comatose on my new lounge floor, but I’m not in a state to care where they chunder. They’re respectable drunks: the kind who clean up after themselves. Far more respectable than me.

I’m not particularly aggrieved that Miss Coromandel seems to be quite keen on another of my party guests, and make my way back home. As I do so, I make a booty-call, to a chick who promises to be over in a couple of hours. I get back into my apartment, prod the two comatose guests to check that they are still breathing, and then roll them over onto their backs, so that if they vomit they will choke themselves to death, and therefore limit the amount of spew on my carpet.

I retire to my bedroom, and nod off for a bit. Intercom sounds. I answer. It is Miss Coromandel, sans friend. I think of telling her to piss off straight away, as booty-call is due to arrive soon, and I’m not sober enough to work out the implications of Miss Coromandel meeting booty-call. I let her in anyway.

Miss Coromandel goes straight into the bedroom, and starts getting her gear off. It’s an amusing sight, but being the older guy, I am stern with her. “No, you can’t stay over, Miss Coromandel.”

“Why not?”

I try to think of a suitable lie to tell. The silliest possible fib pops in my head. I ignore that it’s one in the morning, and say to her: “My ex-wife’s lawyer is coming over soon for me to sign some documents, and if he sees you here, then that information will go straight back to my ex-wife.”

The preposterousness of both the logistics and the timing of the fiction escapes her attention. “Oh, okay. Can you give me money for a taxi?”

“Sure,” I say. I try to recall how much the last taxi fare to her place was. It was about ten bucks. “Will twenty do?”

“Oh, it’s probably forty,” she says.

Keen to get her out, I hand it over, give her a kiss on the cheek, and send her bailing. I think to myself that there was probably time to fuck her before booty-call arrives, since booty-call is ridiculously punctual, but there’s more relief in getting rid of her without her setting fire to something, than actually having sex with her again.

And that’s the end of part one, folks. Will there be a part two? Keep returning to this blog, and you will find out!

Sunday, August 07, 2005

Moral Dilemmas

I don’t consider myself to be an alcoholic. Merely a guy who frequently drinks more booze than my body can safely handle. The difference may be merely semantic, but it is there, all the same.

Boozing does not just interfere with my private life. It constitutes my private life. There are some things that are greatly improved with alcohol. Other areas of activity should be treated more responsibly. Accordingly, I only sing karaoke when I’m drunk. I don’t drive a car, because it obstructs my drinking schedule.

On Thursday night, I went to have a couple of drinks with a cousin. I try not to get heavily intoxicated on week-nights: work, as Wilde famously stated, is the death of the drinking classes. So it really was going to be just a couple of drinks.

Cousin was delayed. Claimed he had to go and pick up a mate’s car. So I wandered into a bar in Takapuna and started eyeing up some of the ridiculously hot, and very young talent on offer. Three drinks later, and I was feeling really quite merry. And then cousin arrived, and caused me to slow my imbibement.

My cousin is fifteen years older than me. He makes a gazillion dollars a year, has a very shallow view of women, has a string of expensive waterfront properties, and does his fair share of boozing. He often asks me for advice. Thursday evening was discussing a business venture he wanted my thoughts on.

So the conversation started out civilly, with me chiding him about his recent break-up with his girlfriend of four years. Cousin has been getting stick from many family members about this, but my criticism was from a different angle. Which is why he prefers drinking with me, rather than the rest of the herd.

“So let me get this straight. You took current girlfriend to Europe on a five-week holiday with you, and sent her home ten days into the holiday so that she could pack up her stuff before you got back?”

“Yes, that’s right,” he answers.

“And you came back a week after her?”

“Yep.”

Now, other family folk have given him grief because he didn’t end his five-week holiday at the same time as her. Some even called him callous. Not me. “You stupid fuck,” I tell him. “You’re a free man from that point. Why didn’t you spend the next three weeks shagging your way around the Mediterranean?”

“Because the family felt I should feel guilty about treating current girlfriend so coldly.”

I almost punched him at that point. What I realize—and what other members of the clan probably know but would never admit aloud—is that women are evil. They thrive on knowing that the naughty man is getting grief from all quarters for him being a bastard. What they don’t accept is that all men are bastards, and that when we treat women badly, we’re just being honest with ourselves. True to nature. And it’s why chicks dig us for our bastardly nature.

“And shafted girlfriend doesn’t know about new girlfriend, you think, Cousin?” I ask.

“No,” he says. “So if you see her at the pub, don’t mention it to her.”

I give that knowing smile, which is about to reveal another nugget about human nature, from the peculiarly worldly aspect that I have in my head. “Bet she fucking knows already, mate. Bet she knew you were fucking the other one six months ago, but stayed quiet because it was her way of manipulating you. All chicks are evil, and they do much better than us in not letting on what they actually know.”

“So you’re not pissed at me for dumping ex-girlfriend?”

“Fuck no,” I said. “You dumped her before she let herself go. You did yourself a favour—not having to put up with a chick who had lost the sole reason you hooked up with her in the first place—as well as herself, because now she can go and hook up with another guy, because she hasn’t lost it.”

Cousin is pleased with that insightful analysis. “Yeah, well, new girlfriend is fucking amazing, mate. We connect not just on a physical level, but emotionally as well. Old girlfriend was quite young—she’s only twenty-seven. New one is thirty-five.”

“Stop that bullshit already,” I admonish him. “You might be an outstanding salesman in your professional life, buddy, but I’m not buying into any part of that argument. Firstly, it’s fucking dangerous to be talking about an emotional connection. You’d only be saying that if the new one was manipulating you in ways that you don’t currently understand. There is no such thing as an emotional connection: just hot chicks who give you a hard-on. Start talking emotional shit, and next thing you wake up, realizing you’ve married some repulsive whore without a pre-nup. And I certainly don’t approve of you trading in a 27-year-old girlfriend for a 35-year-old one. That’s trashy, and a waste.”

“But she’s still hot, the 35-year-old.”

“But for how much longer?” I argue. “You know the answer to that. It’s bad policy. Bad, bad, bad. Sure, dump your girlfriend after a few years. But get a YOUNGER one!”

A few drinks later, with business discussions concluded, cousin dropped me back to my place.

And the whole way back, I started scheming in my head, a cunning means of scoring his ex-girlfriend. And when I finally decided not to, it was because even tho’ she’s still very hot, at the age of 27, she’s just too old for me.

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

David Lange's Legacy

As the curtain closes on the strange and wonderful life of David Lange, opinion writers are beginning to eulogise him in the popular press. The obituaries will flow when he finally shuffles off his mortal coil—as one of the most extraordinary characters of post World War II public life in New Zealand. Inevitably, many commentators will lionize him. Unlike Muldoon—who didn’t seem to mind making unkind comments about the recently departed—Lange has done his homework. Lange may not have mended all the broken fences that invariably occur in a political lifetime, but he has at least met with all his former adversaries, and given them pause for thought about the inimitable impression he made on New Zealand culture and society.

It is the nature of politics that all Prime Ministers are most powerful in their first term of office: Michael Joseph Savage held his place on the mantelpieces of blue-collar New Zealand, despite serving just five years as PM, while his much more effective and productive successor, Peter Fraser, toiled away for nine years, and is greatly forgotten as the true architect of the welfare state. The premiers with the most longevity spent their first terms reforming, and their future terms consolidating. And in this respect, Lange was no different.

David Lange swept to power in a generational seachange in 1984. Bringing with him such relatively bright-eyed, youthful ministers as Geoff Palmer, Roger Douglas, Richard Prebble, Mike Moore, and David Caygill, his first cabinet was some fifteen years younger, on average, than Muldoon’s last. Fresh ideas brought fresh thinking to the great issues of state. In his first term as Prime Minister, Lange led the construction of some genuinely ground-breaking pieces of legislation. In 1984, New Zealand was out of pace with the Western world. Bob Hawke in Australia, Margaret Thatcher in Britain, and Ronald Reagan in the United States had already set their shoulders to the restructure of the modern state. Under Muldoon, New Zealand may not have gone backwards in absolute terms, but equally, had never started moving forwards.

And then along came Lange. Lange was a quintessential performer. As a criminal barrister, he relished jury trials in South Auckland. He had the intellectual authority to speak to a brief, and the personal charisma to sway the hearts of his audience. But Lange was also a pragmatist of the highest order. And he brought all of these features to his parliamentary career.

Despite his theatrical mould, like Muldoon, he was exceptionally uncomfortable in a confrontational environment. Muldoon held the bully tag, particularly at the end, yet colleagues will state that despite never hiding his prejudices, in a one-on-one situation, Muldoon could not manage personal acrimony. Lange also avoided conflict, except where it was public and entertaining.

By 1984, the need for change was so fundamental, this great avoider of conflict could distract the left wing of his party with foreign policy while the right redrew the macroeconomic map. And the speed of economic reform was such that the Party’s left was constantly trying to play catch-up: before they had even understood the consequence of economic reform, it had already taken place.

Hence such reforms as the Reserve Bank Act, the State Sector Act, the Public Finance Act, and the State Owned Enterprises Act. Respectively, the legislation changed the way monetary policy is governed, the role of the Public Service, the funding of the Public Service, and the commercialization of key parts of the Public Service. They were essential reforms that constituted the bulk of what the Fourth Labour Government did for New Zealand, and have remained intact, largely in their original form, ever since.

The reform agenda, of course, didn’t go far enough. The two natural consequences of the core state reforms were flattening of the tax system on the one hand, and liberalization of the labour market on the other. Neither activities were going to ever occur under a Labour Government: Lange recognized this too late. His eventual “cup of tea”, which thwarted his chance of becoming a great Prime Minister, had disastrous effects on the New Zealand economy. What Lange misunderstood then was that once you start the ball rolling, it takes enormous efforts to stop it again.

Yet despite Lange’s alienation of both sides of the argument—on the one hand for not stopping the juggernaut, and on the other for not allowing it to run its full and natural course—there is still enormous affection for the man. Compare Lange’s memory with Muldoon’s, and the public sentiment is very different: Lange departed willingly, and confessed he had made a mistake (albeit, admitting to the wrong mistake). Muldoon had to be literally declasped from power under the threat of political and bureaucratic coup, and spent another eight years in Parliament telling everybody that they were wrong to ever remove him. And in later years, Lange has admitted all of his human frailties. We forgive him his humility.

Lange shared much more of himself to the public than he needed to regain public affection. His battles with depression, alcoholism, and ill-health were all laid bare. He redeemed himself with the Left after hammering his own record as Prime Minister. In doing so, he was both truthful to himself, and finally found the one place on the political spectrum that had eluded him while in power.

More than anything, the sense one has of David Lange is a man who needed to be loved. A man who was more persuaded by the power of argument than he was with the logic of that argument. Until 1984, Lange was opposed to following the Left’s demand for a nuclear free New Zealand. To suggest that he cottoned onto the nuclear in order to distract the Left from Roger Douglas’ economic agenda is to misread Lange: Lange did not have that capacity for cunning. It had much more to do with Lange’s passion and excitement with the theatre of debate.

Hence the Oxford Union forum in 1985, in which Lange, at the very climax of his domestic and international popularity, enthralled both the student union, and Jerry Falwell, with the overwhelming power of his rhetoric. The question, the moral defensibility of nuclear weapons, was suitable as an academic debate. It was appropriate at that great zenith of oratory, at the Oxford Union. During his speech, Lange thundered:


“We in New Zealand, you know, used to be able to relax a bit, to be able to think that we would sit comfortably while the rest of the world seared, singed, withered. We were enraptured! And the fact is that we used to have the reputation of being some kind of an antipodean Noah's Ark, which would from within its quite isolated, preserve, spawn a whole new world of realistic human kind. Now, the fact is that we know that that is not achievable. We know that if the nuclear winter comes, we freeze, we join the rest of you. And that means that there is now a total denouement as far as any argument in favour of moral purpose goes. It is a strange, dubious and totally unaccepted moral purpose which holds the whole of the world to ransom.”

The elegance and strength of Lange’s words would have left Churchill himself speechless. He typified all that is great about true oratory: he spoke with a fire and ferocity, and entertained, and moved. Figure this:

“And one of the immoralities of nuclear weaponry, surely, is that it creates such a level of depersonalisation that the infinite capacity of destruction is unleashed by a few. Much more is there a moral posture in the conventional event where the humanity of a situation has to be constantly assessed, and where there is always a possibility of restraint, because individual people say, dammit, I'm not going to go ahead and do that, because it is absolutely immoral, contrary to the whole ethos of humankind, to do that. You don't get the checks and balances along the nuclear trail.”

Again, who other than W.S. could have carried that off?

David Lange did exactly that. And he did so as only a recent convert to the anti-nuclear debate. He rose to the occasion not because he vainly wanted to hold the world lantern for the deliberations, but because he had the loudest and most eloquent voice. In reality, he was probably as astonished as the rest of us that the leader of little old New Zealand was leading the charge from the front.

As much pride as we felt in David Lange, the debate itself was a non-issue. The enormous cut-back in nuclear weaponry occurred not because New Zealand had a loud moral voice, but because one of the runners in the race dropped dead. Lange resigned in August, 1989, some three months before the collapse of the Berlin Wall.

Lange was an accidental hero of almost-history. His great asset—his need to explore and vocalise life’s absurdities—made him New Zealand’s saviour as he tore apart the most preposterous aspects of Muldoonism. It was exactly that trait that Richard Prebble suggested made him such an outstanding Cabinet chairman: whenever issues got heated, he would defuse the situation by interjecting with a ridiculous story. As a consequence, Prebble attests, cabinet issues were resolved freely when Lange was in charge. Lange was the darling of the media, with most of the Press Gallery claiming that his weekly press conferences were the “best show in town”. No matter what had been on the Cabinet agenda, Lange would regale them with one-liners and stories. That was Lange’s element.

But it was also Lange’s downfall. Australia’s Bob Hawke—who served twice as long as his New Zealand counterpart—was infuriated by Lange’s need to veer off serious issues. Hawke found him frivolous. At the height of the ANZUS conflict, Lange was taking the piss at US Ambassador H. Monroe Browne’s penchant for racehorses. An apposite target for a social cartoonist, but not exactly the stuff of international diplomacy if a Prime Minister wants to be taken seriously. Great comedy, poor politics.

How does Lange feel about the contribution he made to New Zealand life? Time will tell, and his memoirs, to be published in the next fortnight, may reveal all. Hopefully, it will paint the true Lange: the both frivolous and extremely talented man, with probably the most eloquent ability to express himself in both oratory, and the written form, ever seen in New Zealand. And his compassion: he had within him the power to forgive even those who continued to loathe him.

Lange let bygones be bygones. After experiencing the rough ride of premiership, he forgave Muldoon his madness. Lange, after all, went on his own terms. And he did so because of his inordinate love of people: he thrived on human interaction, and had perhaps the most remarkable memory for other people, and fascination for them, of any person I’ve ever met.

I sat next to Lange several years ago, at a government inquiry at which he was a witness. Next to him was an official, and Lange asked him about a minor piece of gossip. The official feigned ignorance, and I piped up the answer. Lange turned to me and made some minor gag about the general worthiness of my profession, and then preceded to hold up the entire proceedings for ten minutes as he related how he had recently been swimming in the pool at the New Zealand High Commissioner’s residence in Fiji, and only after he had been paddling three or four laps did he realize that he was not alone in the pool.

Returning to the edge of the pool, he fumbled for his glasses, and discovered a bevy of young women in the swimming pool with him. He started talking. It turned out they were nuns, from a nearby convent, who often used the HC’s swimming pool for recreation. Lange retorted that only a former New Zealand Prime Minister would get caught in the swimming pool with a convent of not-particularly-modest nuns.

In that respect, Lange was quite wrong. Only David Lange would have been caught like that; and only David Lange would have recounted the absurdity of the story in front of an official government enquiry. By the time the serious business began, he had distracted, amused, and delighted his audience.

And that spark that he brought to us far beats any discontent that any of us had for any of the mistakes he made as Prime Minister.

What about the other twenty percent?

Interesting article on Stuff about eighty percent of Kiwi women being under pressure to "look pretty". On the literal face of it, this is a good omen. Sadly, not all good omens work.

I would like to state categorically that there are far too many overweight, ugly women in New Zealand who have taken it upon themselves to eschew their God-given duty to look hot. It's hard to know who to blame for this: Germaine Greer, the Welfare State, or simple laziness. Each of these factors has a contribution to make for some of the hideousness that infects whole tracts of New Zealand society, but it is by no means the whole answer.

Yes, Germaine Greer made some silly noises forty years ago about how women had the right to be free from traditional patriarchal society, and be considered as more than just male chattels. From my perspective, that seems like a wholly irrelevant point. Yes, we have more women at senior levels of business, politics and law. But what distinguishes Helen Clark, Theresa Gattung and Silvia Cartwright is not just that they rate highly on the fugly factor, but that they haven't fulfilled their prime biological duty of spawning children. After all, children get in the way of careers. Children maternalise women. They make use of a woman's native instinct to nurture--to cook, to clean, and to be a good wife.

As a formula for the rest of society, women exclusively at the elite--as much as the feminazi brigade may try to impose on us--does not work. To get to the top, Clark, Gattung, and Cartwright have had to suppress their irrational natures and start thinking like men. They have not always been overwhelmingly successful. Hence the Prime Minister breaking down at Waitangi when a cranky Maori lady was mean to her, Telecom's CEO getting her hair done every morning with no positive effect, and the GG being a not-too-well disguised pinko commie liberal.

And the formula doesn't work because women are required for the purposes of procreation. As much as the radical feminist group attempt to lock men out of the debate, men too are a fundamental part of this process. Yes, it's nice that we have a society in which some women can deny that they have breasts that evolved for a breast-feeding function, or claim that just because a woman has a clitoris, it is the man's role to stimulate it. Both silly arguments that aren't borne out by reality.

Left-wing feminists will point to such successes in society as proof that women can do it. Yes, women can do it. Again, that's not the point. They're merely distractions from the other half of the female population that are encouraged to raise children on their own, excluding men, and using males simply as sire-beasts. I'm not particularly concerned that males get objectified by this scenario: rather it's the hard-working, middle-class, predominantly employed men who pay for the consequences of children borne into non-existent families, and create the cycles of dependency that the Left needs to push its anti-human social agenda.

If men were still in charge of social debate, then there would be no discussion whatsoever of the right of a parent to give a child a whack for misbehaviour. Instead, the policy argument is being driven by obsessed theorists who have no concept of family practice. This little nugget of a non-issue is advanced liberal sociologists who miss the point: there is a remarkable difference between a father or mother in a traditional family unit who exerts reasonable physical discipline, and the psychotic acts that those from broken family units inflict on innocent children. Children do not die from biological fathers exerting reasonable discipline. They almost invariably face serious harm from a part-time male visitor, high on drugs, who decides for no reason to beat the shit out of the kid.

So why the debate on smacking at all? Because, yes, it is a social agenda, and the women driving it have suppressed their maternal instincts in the name of that agenda to such an extent that they do not care to see reason. The fact is that it is the rise of the welfare state that encourages many women to exclude responsible men from their lives, and expose themselves to irresponsible men, who, in turn, were invariably creatures of the welfare state.

Psychologically normal women, who intend to take care of themselves and function in a normal society, and contribute to society by making use of all their biological and professional talents, are in abundance in capitalist societies. Auckland City, as a microcosm of the capitalist world, demonstrates all the virtues of successful women who understand what they can contribute to both the business world, as well as enriching their personal lives. Contrast that with small-town Masterton, where a large proportion of women under fifty are single mothers who never intend to do anything other than subsist on state support.

The southern Wairarapa is an icon of a socialist society. It is also the classic example of social discontent. It ranks highly for violent crime, teen pregnancy, poor education and health statistics, high unemployment, drug dependency, and ugly women.

Auckland City, on the other hand, is a city that encourages and thrives on success. Unemployed people cannot afford to live here. Education and health is largely pretty good. And women understand that their primary means of attracting men is to stay hot. They learn quickly that if they want a family, they need to choose a partner who can support them during key stages in their lives.

Which is why the rising trend of women's concern for their physical appearance is extremely positive. It shows that they no longer have faith in the State taking responsibility for driving them into welfare dependence. To get what they want in life, they need to go and achieve it on their own: good mind, good career, hot body.

Not that Helen Clark would agree with this argument, but if Germaine Greer had come out and proposed this model for feminist society, there would have been far less discontent from disenfranchised men.