Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Political Bloodsport

Every party has its cringe-inducing types. Some party lists are more cringe-inducing than others. The question is not whether the party has a potential embarrassment in their ranks, but the precise numbers of time-bombs that are just waiting to go off.

Take Brian Connell. National Party MP who succeeded Jenny Shipley in Rakaia, and then proceeded to announce in the middle of an election campaign, in 2002, that he intended to lead the National Party. Bold statement. Stupid statement. Cringeful statement.

There is a fine line between political naivety—the off-the-cuff comment made before one has learned the rigours of office and dangers of making stupid statements—and being stupid. It’s a fair call that Brian Connell ranks as downright stupid. Michelle Boag did the National Party a minor disservice when she didn’t throw her weight behind her namesake, Stu, to take over Jenny Shipley’s seat. To be fair to Michelle, she did more than redeem herself by bringing in Don Brash, John Key, Judith Collins, and Allan Peachey into the fold. Even with Brian Connell there, it’s hard to cringe at the Nats performance when they’ve got a stellar cast of superstars.

Act’s Muriel Newman is a nice enough lady. But not superbly sharp. Politically immensely stupid. A few years back, I was sitting in an Act MPs office, when Muriel wandered in, wanting some ideas on what to talk about during a slot she had in Parliament to discuss tariff reforms. I told her to go through the Tariff Schedule, and observe that while the Government imposed no tariff on the importation of nuclear reactors—which had a zero duty in the schedule—they were proposing to maintain a tariff on the importation of shoes. Muriel got quite excited at this, and went off to look at the schedule. Unfortunately, when it came to speaking in the House, she got slightly confused, and didn’t mention the shoes. Instead she proposed raising the tariff on nuclear reactors.

New Zealand First. Where do we start? Well, Winston holds his own. Ron Mark is a very solid performer. Brian Donnelly always knows his brief. And the list ends there. Simon Upton rated Doug Woollerton highly when the latter was his long-time electorate chairman in Raglan, but I’ve always found his slow, hokeyesque drawl to be deeply annoying. Useful in a party chairman to keep things in order by boring the elderly members off to sleep, rather than engage in a controversial remit. Peter Brown is a well-meaning guy, but has the intellectual grunt of a dead camel. Taking a stab at Dail Jones, he’s simply a git. The others I don’t know, but any party that nominates Jenny Bloxham among its ranks, at any stage, ever, has suffered enough cringe-inducing behaviour to last a lifetime. One aspect that Winston has managed well, however, to control the potential embarrassment, is to get them all to shut up. It works well.

I’m politically coloured with respect to the Greens. They all make me sick. Whether it’s Sue Kedgeley’s downright hypocrisy, Rod Donald’s slipperiness, or Keith Locke’s ideologically-driven fruitiness, I can’t honestly say that there is a single MP in their line-up who I could dine with. Ian Ewen-Street was a nice guy, but he got disillusioned with the Greens’ socialist agenda. Jeanette Fitzsimons is far too stupid to ever run a political party. Rod Donald knows this, which is why he runs it. And that is very disturbing, if the Greens and Labour are ever in a position to form a Government. Labour don’t trust Donald, and rightfully so. They trust Jeanette, because she’s too na├»ve to understand what Government’s doing. But with Rod behind her, Labour—and the country—are in deep trouble.

Jim Anderton’s platitudes used to make me irate. Now it’s his downright tedium that is so frustrating. He makes me cringe.

And now for the Labour Party. Phil Goff, Damien O’Connor, and John Tamihere are the only ones I’d have over to dinner. Paul Swain, Mark Peck and on a good day, Michael Cullen, I’d stop in the street to chat to them. On a bad day I’d push Paul Swain over, inject booze into Mark Peck, and punch out Dr Cullen. I would harangue them all for selling their souls for being part of such a regrettable bunch of drop-kicks that includes such lecherous and/or pathetic political specimens as Steve Maharey, Parekura Horomia, Marion Hobbes, Judith Tizard, Dover Samuels, Jill Pettis, Darren Hughes, Mahara Okeroa, Ann Hartley, Helen Duncan, Dave Hereroa, Nanaia Mahuta, and Dianne Yates. I mean, really. What a sad, sorry bunch of losers they are.

And among that Hall of Inane, we must add Labour’s candidate for Pakuranga. Michael Wood is a classic example of the mediocrity that infects Labour today. You can even see his blog, at , to get a clear feel for the absolute banality that plagues the Labour Party list. They are not the great intellectuals, the keen debaters, the achievers of Modern New Zealand. No, dear readers. They are union hacks, with no concept of economic reality. This is the best that Labour can bring out, and it is a savage indictment on the party of superstars that David Lange once led.

On the bright side, Michael brings entertainment to this election, for the simple reason that he is just so weak. He is easy pickings. On-line, his defence and explanations for Government inaction come across as a minor party apparatchik using the standard propaganda that he’s too thick to understand.

Oh, how I would love to go to a Pakuranga electorate meeting and launch into him. You know. Make him cry. Teach him an important lesson about the real world: that if he’s ever going to contemplate a serious political career, then he needs to harden up, get smart, and think real.

Michael, of course, is not alone. On Labour’s list this year, only one new candidate stands out, and that is Louisa Wall. Even then, her only distinction is that she’s photogenic, and in that sense, at least raises one of Labour’s exceptionally low standards just ever-so-slightly.

So I encourage you to go to your meet-the-candidate meetings. Ask tricky questions of Labour’s candidates. Get them to explain why Labour MPs lie so much about what National is doing; why Labour offered such a shitty budget, and is now bribing non-taxpayers with taxpayers money.

Yes, folks. Watch the fuckers squirm. And don’t let them off the hook. Quiz them about Maori excesses, about the wananga, about the sad and sorry state of tertiary and secondary education, about what has happened to the $16 billion of extra tax revenue that the Government has collected this year over 1999, and just when Labour is going to admit that it’s hard-working taxpayers, and people with initiative and creativity who make a strong economy, and not Michael Cullen.

Grill them. Take them apart on every issue. That is the beauty of democracy. And Labour will learn that it can’t simply pass off such a pedestrian bunch of losers onto the electorate again.


Anonymous said...

That's much more like it IP! You see, there are ways for you to express your general wound-uppedness with the world in general in more productive ways. Always worth getting worked up about taking politicians to the cleaners. Well done; keep up the good work, old chap.

Jesus Crux said...

you know what we need to do, infiltrate the lefty parties, rather than wasting time debating with them, 'cos they're too up themselves to ever change their views

Anonymous said...

That's what Blair and his mates did quite successfully (if you judge success in terms of getting elected, rather than the outcomes for the public).

Anonymous said...

Michael, of course, is not alone. On Labour’s list this year, only one new candidate stands out, and that is Louisa Wall. Even then, her only distinction is that she’s photogenic, and in that sense, at least raises one of Labour’s exceptionally low standards just ever-so-slightly.

>> Prick - she is a lesbian!

Insolent Prick said...

No, Anon. Louisa might say she is a lesbian, but lesbians don't exist. They are merely bisexual chicks who are temporarily cranky with men.

Anonymous said...

No prckk. She is a lesbian. And quite open about it.

Insolent Prick said...

Like I said, Anon. You might as well be claiming that she is an alien, or a smurf, but as sure as I know aliens and smurfs don't actually exist--just people who claim they are smurfs and behave like smurfs--lesbians don't exist. Just chicks who are temporarily man-hating, and claim to be lesbian.

Anonymous said...

Can we have more on this theory as to why lesbians don't exist? Perhaps homosexual men as well?

Insolent Prick said...

Isn't it self-explanatory?

Belief that lesbianism exists requires a leap of faith that I am not prepared to make.

Anonymous said...

Agreed re Connell. The moron made a virtue in his selection that he didn't understand MMP because he had been Australia for 10 years. It was Shipley who backed him the last week. Two schools of thought, she made another stuff up or she wanted to enhance her legacy by putting in a total dork to make her look magnificent by comparison.

Cathy Odgers said...

Prick - you will love this site. Absolutely hilarious.

Insolent Prick said...

Ah, yes, Cathy.

You've gotta see the manhating profile on Helen Clark!

Anonymous said...

You're a bit obsessed with MW aren't you? Is that becuase he's a real life person, probably of about your age, who's actually giving it a go in the real world, instead of being an anonymous online nobody loser like yourself. It'd be interesting to see a blog of what your life was ACTUALLY like instead of this wannabe version.

Cathy Odgers said...

Is the real world really being a union rep from the time of leaving University with a BA? Or a Labour candidate campaigning outside New World on a wet Saturday morning?

My goodness have I missed something?? Are 99% of NZers not living in the real world then? Should we all aspire to be Union reps and stand for Labour with no practical private sector experience in our life?

Calling Prick an anonymous online nobody is a bit rich coming from a soft cock who is obviously afraid to use his real name or even set up his own blog as he is such a boring dork.

Insolent Prick said...

Unlike the Union movement, which is pretty keen on compelling everybody to do what they want, I can assure you, anon, that I am not compelling you to read my blog.

As my "about me" section states, quite clearly, in case you've somehow misconstrued some parts of it: "If you don't like me, you can get fucked."

Anonymous said...

But IP is anonymous...?

I'll go get fucked then.