Fears and Loathings

My friend just bought a puppy. Ever since I heard that he bought that dog, I’ve been terrified that the dog might develop psychological problems and get larger and bite the postman.

Another friend recently stole a small goat, and placed it among his sheep. I lie awake at night fearful that the goat will think it’s a sheep, and start fucking the other sheep. Even worse, I fear that the goat, being a satanic symbol, may well be Lucifer’s spawn, and impregnate a whole new breed of evil goat-sheep.

Another friend just bought a new fridge. Studies have shown that cannibals are most likely to store human remains in old fridges, rather than new fridges. My friend has not told me what he has done with his old fridge, so I now assume that I am next on his list of people to chop up and boil on his NEW STOVE!

Yes, people. These are genuine fears.